STEP 1:
The SMS breakup. This is plain simple and shows a complete sense of concern for your partner. No one is going to respond well to this and it might make you look bad but its the easiest way and simple. Sending something like this: "Sry – it'sgb bc ur ntg 2 me :'( "will classify you in the jerk category but at the end, you've done your remark. (Translation for those of you who are not SMS language experts – Sorry, it's goodbye, because you are not too good to me, followed by a crying face.)
STEP 2:
The grapevine breakup. Letting other people tell her that you were seen with another woman who couldn't keep her hands off you, is just plain simple that you are already done your move of moving forward. Even if the relationship has deteriorated into a snakepit, you don't owe someone to tell them face-to-face that it's over. They must see it themselves.
STEP 3:
The "I-need-space" breakup. Yes, maybe you do feel a bit crowded, but let's be honest here: This sudden need for space usually has to do with the fact that there isn't space in your life for your current girlfriend as well as your future one – that you have incidentally met already.
STEP 4:
The mudslinging breakup. Right, there is not really such a thing as a settled breakup. Egos are hurt, expectations are dashed and partners come from their corners fighting. There is a point, though, in making your parting words, "You're fat, coz you dont look good on a bikini, I told you to loose weight but you didn't and I think you're no good at your job at night". All this will achieve a sense of reality when she have to think back.
STEP 5:
The "I-never-really-loved-you" breakup. This is not the most cruel of the lot, but it robs her of all the positive memories of the times you spent together without noticing that you were just playing. At some stage must have been very real boring for both of you and you discover that after you have done your moves, otherwise, why else would you have got involved?
STEP 6:
The "my-mother-was-right" breakup. If your mother disapproved of your partner, it serves a purpose to give details regarding her dislikes at this point. All it does is to rub salt into the wounds but she will be strong because she will understand her mistakes as you are not the only one but there's also another person who sees her mistakes. She probably knew your mother didn't like her anyway. And the feeling was most likely mutual.
STEP 7:
The "meet-Wendy" breakup. This is the breakup method of real low-lifes. It robs the person you're breaking up with from an opportunity to respond appropriately. Whatever they do, will look silly, defeatist, bitchy or pathetic. Have the decency to break up with the first girlfriend – in private - before you move on to the second.
STEP 8:
The empty-house breakup. Your girlfriend arrives home from work and at first thinks there's been a burglary, but then notices it's only your things that are gone. This is a simpliest way to move on. You dont owe her some advance warning or a number where you can be reached.
STEP 9:
The "let's-be-friends" breakup. This is only a way of softening the blow and giving false hope. OK, so maybe this gets her over the worst, but then, when she realises you meant nothing of the kind, it's back to square one on the misery scale. It is almost impossible once you've slept with someone, to have a normal friendship afterwards.
STEP 10:
The "you-need-help" breakup. On some level, everyone needs help. If you couldn't get your girlfriend to go for help regarding, let's say, her drinking problem while you were together, is she going to take your advice now that she thinks you are pond scum? No man wants a drunken master woman.
STEP 11:
The "I-can't-help-I'm-being-transferred" breakup. If you are serious about someone in the long run, you can always make a plan to relocate together – unless you are using the breakup as an excuse to dump the girlfriend. There is also a difference between a temporary transfer and a permanent relocation to Shankuraniville.
STEP 12:
The "I'm-sorry,-but-Gail's-pregnant" breakup. This is probably the worst one for your girlfriend to deal with. Not only have you been unfaithful, but the other woman now has a claim on you with which she cannot compete. Even worse if she didn't know that Gail existed.
STEP 13:
The "You're-too-good-for-me" breakup. This is a variation on the "It's-not-you,-it's- me" breakup. The only good thing about this is that her feelings will be spared somewhat. But how many people are speaking the truth when they say this? Often what they actually mean is that they've had enough and it's time to move on.
PS: Actually there are 20 steps and Im still thinking about the rest!!!! stay tunned...
